


To All The Men He Could Have Loved

by Quagswagging



Category: Formula 1 RPF, To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before (2018)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Crying, Cuddling & Snuggling, Cute, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Love Confessions, Love Letters, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-27
Updated: 2018-08-27
Packaged: 2019-07-03 12:24:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,452
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15818823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Quagswagging/pseuds/Quagswagging
Summary: Mark, Daniel, Heikki, Valtteri and Kimi. The 5 men Sebastian had loved, could have loved, or was still in love with.He wrote letters to them all, letters that explained his feelings, letters that he never meant to sent...So when the letters do end up with their intended recipients, Sebastian has some serious explaining to do.





	To All The Men He Could Have Loved

**Author's Note:**

> So I saw the movie To All the Boys I've Loved Before on Netflix last week, and this came to be loosely based on that story :3  
> That movie is definitely a must-watch!!
> 
> Let me know what you think in the comments :D

Sebastian sighed as he looked at the letters. There were only 5, addressed to all the men he had loved, could have loved, or was actually still kind of in love with. He had written them to get rid of all his frustration, and in some cases some rather juvenile feelings, and he had no intention of ever sending them. The addressants could never read them, _never. ___

__The first letter was written to Mark. No matter how much Sebastian had loathed his teammate at times, and no matter angry Mark got at him, Sebastian realised that if they could have gotten over those feelings, he could have loved the man._ _

__Secondly, there was Daniel. The smiley and relaxed Aussie had been a lot to get used to after Mark, but it had been a good change. Daniel was easy to be around and didn’t seem to mind Sebastian’s little touches: a hand on his shoulder before quali, a hug after a good result, a playful slap on his back when the Aussie was misbehaving... In fact, Daniel returned them with the same enthusiasm he had for everything and everyone, making Sebastian smile every time he did so._ _

__Sebastian was relatively certain he had loved Daniel at some point, but when he had seen the way Daniel missed JEV, the way the younger man was still pining after the Frenchman even after Jev was not in Formula One anymore, he knew he could never replace that, and his feelings for Daniel quickly went to waste._ _

__The third letter was addressed to Heikki. It had been almost inevitable really, after spending so much time with his trainer. They had gotten along well, and although Sebastian wasn’t too sure if he could call it love, he had trusted the Finn immensely, and that had counted for something._ _

__The fourth letter was to Valtteri, even though Sebastian deep down knew why. Valtteri was basically Kimi, but sweeter and more approachable. Sebastian understood he was only attracted to Valtteri because the young man reminded him of Kimi just enough to make him feel something for him, even if he knew his feelings weren’t rational._ _

__The fifth envelope was Kimi’s. It didn’t hold just one letter, but more than 20, written at different times and in different places. No matter what happened in his life, Kimi seemed to be the constant factor ever since they’d somehow become friends, and Seb never wanted that to end. He relied on the Finn and cared about him more than anyone else, but realised Kimi did not return those feelings. And so he bottled them up, only expression them on paper, in letters would never read._ _

__These letters were some of his more prized possessions, and there was no way anyone should ever find out about them._ _

__~~_ _

__Sebastian sighed, tiredly rubbing his face as he walked to the Ferrari hospitality. He gave a small wave as he passed Charles, the young driver beaming as he waved back. Sebastian chuckled under his breath, Charles really was precious. He was so caught up with smiling about the young Monégasque, that he didn’t see Mark walking over to him, a slightly confused look on his features._ _

__“Hey, didn’t know you had commentary duties here this weekend.” Sebastian greeted. Mark swallowed thickly, ignoring Seb’s remark completely._ _

__“Why did you send this, Seb? Why now?” the pain in Mark’s voice confused Sebastian, who frowned._ _

__“What are you-” his heart sank when he saw the envelope in Mark’s hand. “Who gave that to you.” he choked out. Mark huffed, taking his arm and pulling him to a more secluded area of the paddock._ _

__“Why?” Mark asked again, his brow furrowed. Sebastian shook his head._ _

__“You were never supposed to get that!” he said eventually. Mark huffed._ _

__“Well, I did. So… what do we do about it.” the Aussie said. Seb huffed._ _

__“Nothing, we do nothing.” he answered quickly._ _

__“Seb, this says you are in love with me!” Mark said, waving the letters in front of Seb’s face._ _

__“No! Not anymore! Or not even then, I could have, but I…” he sighed and shook his head. “I’m not in love with you Mark.” he said more clearly. The Aussie visibly relaxed._ _

__“Good.” he said. He hesitated, before holding out the letters to Sebastian.”You should probably take this back. I don’t know who sent it, but I don’t think it was you.” Mark said. Seb took the letter and clutched it to his chest._ _

__“No, I didn’t. I’m sorry, you should have never seen this.” he said awkwardly. Mark sighed and tiredly rubbed his face._ _

__“No, probably not… but Seb? I don’t hate you.” Mark quickly told him, hugging him for just a moment before rushing off again, leaving a very confused Sebastian behind._ _

__Sebastian looked down at the letter, and suddenly realised that if this one got sent, the others had probably been send too._ _

__While cursing under his breath, Sebastian quickly rushed over to the Ferrari hospitality, but he was stopped again, by another Aussie this time._ _

__“Seb…” Daniel said as he grabbed Seb’s wrist. His brown eyes were round and wide and filled with an emotion Seb couldn’t quite place. Daniel brought him in for a tight hug, burying his face on Seb’s shoulder._ _

__“Thank you.” he whispered. Sebastian pulled away slightly._ _

__“What for?” he said in confusion. Dan chuckled but wiped at his eyes._ _

__“I… Your letter, it made me realise I should have made my move with JEV years ago… I called him, he’s coming to visit me soon.” Daniel said, his grin coming back full force. Seb smiled weakly._ _

__“I never meant to send the letters.” he said softly. Daniel blinked._ _

__“There are more?” he asked gently. Seb sighed._ _

__“Five.” he mumbled. Daniel stayed quiet for a moment._ _

__“So me, Mark, Heikki, Valtteri and Kimi?” he said after a moment. Sebastian took in a sharp breath._ _

__“How do you know?” Sebastian asked, eyes wide._ _

__“Educated guess.” Daniel said. “You’re like an open book sometimes.” he added. Sebastian frowned._ _

__“So you knew I liked you? Back when we were teammates?” he asked. Daniel sighed._ _

__“I knew you fancied me, but I also knew it wasn’t actually me you were pining after, it was like you were unconsciously seeking distraction from Kimi…” Daniel told him softly. Sebastian blushed and looked away._ _

__“It doesn’t matter.” he quickly said. Daniel sighed and surprised him by bringing him in for another hug._ _

__“Talk to Kimi, you two belong together.” Daniel whispered, kissing his cheek before pulling away. With a last grin, Daniel sauntered off again, leaving Sebastian to wonder what he had done to deserve to get in this mess._ _

__

__He quickly sent Heikki a text to explain the situation, not wanting the Finn to misunderstand. Heikki, probably just ready to text him, answered immediately._ _

__“I understand, talk to Kimi.” he sent back. Sebastian huffed, not understanding why everyone seemed so intend on him talking to the Finn. He sighed, seeing the Ferrari hospitality in the distance and realising Kimi was there. Sebastian turned on his heel and walked the other way, figuring it was maybe better to talk to Valtteri first._ _

__He slowed his pace as he neared the driver room of the Mercedes driver, taking in a sharp breath as he heard two people fighting inside. The door slammed open and Marcus stormed out, his cheeks stained with tears._ _

__“Marcus please! You have to believe me!” Valtteri called out as he rushed after the Swede. Both men stopped in their tracks as they spotted Sebastian._ _

__“Please Seb, you have to tell him.” Valtteri muttered, his eyes wide and panicked. Sebastian looked back and forth between them._ _

__“Tell him what?” he said in confusion. Marcus choked out a sob._ _

__“Why did you send my boyfriend a love letter? Is there something going on between you two?” he said shakily. Sebastian shook his head._ _

__“N-no, oh my god I’m so sorry… That letter, it was never meant to be sent. I wrote that years ago.” he tried to explain. Marcus frowned, still seeming a little unsure. Valtteri let out a shaky breath and walked over to Marcus, gently taking his hand._ _

__“Please… please believe me... “ he begged. Marcus sighed and hugged Valtteri close, kissing the shorter man’s temple._ _

__“I love you… just, give me a moment okay?” he said before pulling away. Valtteri reached out for him again, but the Swede shook his head, glancing at Sebastian before heading out the door. Valtteri turned back to Sebastian, opening his mouth but not being able to find the right words._ _

__“I-I’m so sorry! I did not sent that to you, I’m so sorry…” Sebastian stuttered. Valtteri’s shoulder sagged a little._ _

__“I know you would never sent something that personal…” he said softly. “Just… I read it and… You do realise you were never in love with me right? It was all because of Kimi.” he said. Sebastian lowered his eyes._ _

__“I know.” he answered hoarsely. Valtteri squeezed his shoulder._ _

__“I need to find Marcus.” he said. “Good luck.” he added in a murmur._ _

__Finally, Sebastian made his way back to the Ferrari hospitality. Keeping his head down as he spotted Kimi walking around near the garages. He quickly went in to his driver room, knowing he was running away from his responsibilities but also not quite wanting to face Kimi yet, especially not since the Finn did not just get one letter with a brief explanation, but so much more, some of the letters having been written at his most desperate of times._ _

__He closed the door to his room behind him, which was unusual. Still, Sebastian should have known Kimi would not be stopped so easily, the Finn knocking before opening the door, not waiting for Sebastian to answer_ _

__Panic clutched at Sebastian’s chest as Kimi wordlessly sat down opposite him, and he honestly felt like crying when he saw the thick envelope clutched in the Finn’s hands._ _

__“Seb…” Kimi said softly, sitting forward a little on the small foa. Sebastian shook his head and looked down at his hands, not wanting to see the possible rejection in Kimi’s eyes._ _

__“I don’t want to talk about it… just, just forget it.” Sebastian pleaded. “please…” he added when Kimi still didn’t move. Kimi sighed and stood up,walking over and placing the envelope on Seb’s lap, kneeling down in front of him for a moment._ _

__“Read them again.” the Finn murmured, surprising Sebastian by placing a soft kiss to his forehead. Then he straightened up again and walked away._ _

__It was only when Kimi had left the room that Sebastian even dared to look down at his lap, to that cursed envelope._ _

__The address on front had been scratched out, and instead, _'Sebastian, his driver room, paddock.' _had been scribbled in the corner in messy handwriting that Sebastian instantly recognised as Kimi’s.___ _

____Sebastian’s hands trembled as he took the letters out of the envelope, skimming through them. They still looked the same, and it was only when he turned the sheets of paper over that Seb realised what Kimi had done._ _ _ _

____Little messages were scribbled on all pages. Not as long and dreamy as Seb’s had been perhaps, but he should have known that wasn’t the Finn’s style_ _ _ _

____On the back of the letter where Sebastian had written about a day where Kimi had calmed him down from a panic attack, the Finn had written: _'I’ll always keep you safe.' _____ _ _

______Sebastian smiled shakily and moved to the next. Written on the back of the next letter, where Seb had written about how happy he when he realised they were going to be teammates, Kimi had left another message._ _ _ _ _ _

_______'When I got the news that you were coming to Ferrari, my brother told me to stop grinning like a madmen. I couldn’t, because I knew driving for Ferrari was like living in a dream for you, and I couldn’t wait to live it with you.' ____ _ _ _ _ _

________Sebastian was crying again, but was also grinning through his tears. He decided to open one last letter, after that he simply had to see Kimi._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He paled slightly when he saw it was the letter where he had specifically spoken about his feeling for Kimi, and how even though he knew Kimi would never return them, he couldn’t seem to get rid of them._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________There was only a very short message on the back of it. _'You’re wrong.' _____ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Sebastian bit his lip and stood up, dropping the letters as he rushed out his room and towards Kimi’s. When he didn’t find the Finn there, he rushed out of the building, running into Valtteri, who only barely caught him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Seb, calm down.” the Finn told him with a chuckle as he steadied the German_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Can’t. Kimi…” Sebastian managed to choke out, the tears in combination with his wide grin making it hard to speak. Valtteri’s smile softened and he brushed his fingers over Seb’s cheek with a rush of sudden affection._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I saw him a little further down the road. You can still catch up with him.” he told him gently. Sebastian grinned and went to run off again, but quickly came back to hug Valtteri tightly_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I’m so sorry about you and Marcus.” he murmured softly._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“It’s okay, we talked. He understands now.” Valtteri soothed. As if on cue, Marcus walked over him, eying their hug in confusion._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“He’s going to find Kimi now, finally.” Valtteri explained as he pulled away. Marcus smiled in understanding, patting Seb’s shoulder as he leaned against Valtteri’s side, the Finn beaming up at him and cuddling closer before looking back at Sebastian._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Go get him.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Eventually, Sebastian found Kimi leaning against the wall in the shadow of his motorhome, giving Sebastian a gentle smile as the German nervously neared him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Hi.” Kimi said softly._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Hi.” Sebastian answered breathlessly. He swallowed thickly before walking closer, grasping Kimi’s face between his shaking hands. When he still hesitated, Kimi smiled before closing the gap between them, brushing their lips together. Sebastian let out a huf and kissed back, wrapping his arms around Kimi’s neck to bring him closer. Kimi’s lips were soft and more than he could have ever asked for. He felt himself tearing up again and pulled away with a soft sob._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Kimi gently shushed him, nuzzling his cheek as he brought the German close._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I love you.” Kimi whispered in Seb’s ear . “And your letters.” he added teasingly. Sebastian still blushed but relaxed as Kimi soothingly ran his arms over his back. he pressed his face into the crook of Kimi’s shoulder, feeling his heart swell a Kimi kissed his temple. Sebastian chuckled softly._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I love you too.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


End file.
